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March 12, 2005
by Jared H. (period 3)
15Once, again, I really don’t want to write on the topic, so f--- it. Don’t know what I’m going to write on as a substitute. How about the first time I was taken to detox. Yeah, sounds good. Well, it was March and I was a junior. There was a house show on the 7th and me and a few of my friends decided we should go. Everyone got there and then we called around looking for booze to enhance the experience. After a time, we got a connection and my friend and me drove to this house to pick up a couple liters of cheap vodka. On the way back to the house show, we started in, each of us gulping down about 8 shots worth of the firewater. Just as we were approaching the show once more, I looked over at my friend at a red light and smiled drunkenly and said, “definitely feeling it.” We went into the house once there and found our friends and passed the bottle around. At this point, I was fairly drunk, but I could have a lot more alcohol in me. My friend and me took a seat on the stairs that go down to the basement and passed a bottle back and forth about 5 times. This put about 7 more shots into me, which is way more then I had ever drank at one time in the past. We all decided we needed some fresh air and so, with the help of a friend of mine, I stumbled out to a parking lot several hundred yards from the house and managed to fall down on my face. I rolled over onto my back and looked up at the person who was assisting me and that is the last thing I remember. That was at about 10:00 in the evening and I was already lying in a puddle of water on my back in a parking lot unable to walk. When I woke up, it was three AM and I was sitting in a room lit by fluorescent lights looking up at a man in a red shirt. My parents were on either side of me and Charlie was sitting across the way, throwing up into a trashcan. I said a lot of stupid things and then they shoved a Breathalyzer in my face and told me to blow into it. I blew a .167, twice the legal limit and I was only 17. The started going off on how Charlie and me had been drinking a lot because he had seen college students passed out with lower BACs. I was taken home and spent a month grounded or as I referred to it, in lockdown. Later I learned just what had happened to me that night. Apparently, shortly after I had collapsed in the parking lot, we went to Antelope Park where I managed to fuck myself up proper. I smashed my face into a car and somehow put a bloody hole in my shoulder about the size of a half dollar. I also said some really stupid things to a lot of people. Worst night of my life, except maybe for the second time I was busted about a month after I was ungrounded
Authors note – Don’t care if this is made public. You can use my name or my ID, whichever.
Posted to composition class in student writing and works at 06:31 AM
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Comments
Once, again, I really don’t want to write on this student's writing, so f--- it. Don’t know what I’m going to write on as a substitute. How about the first time I read a paper about the first time someone was taken to detox. Yeah, sounds good. . . . This would have been 15 or 20 years ago, and at least a couple of students have chosen to write on this topic in each of those years, so over the years I've probably read a hundred or so papers on this topic, and they all kind of sound the same and boil down to the same thing, and I'm always left wondering why any one finds this particularly interesting. (just kidding -- more at the very end of my comments)
I am going to respond in the way I have suggested for students who want to earn service points. This response would be worth 3 service points, maybe 4. Each part of it (A, B, or C) would be worth 1 service point.
A)This is what sticks in my mind after reading your paper carefully a few times:
The drinking takes place at a home show, which you were at before the drinking started.
You left after you got there to get alcohol.
You made a significant look at your friend while at a red light. “feeling it now,” or something like that.
A beverage consumed was vodka.
You fell down and either passed out or had a blackout in a parking lot.
You come to being questioned by a man in a red shirt.
Your parents are there when you are being questioned.
Charlie is there, throwing up, when you come to.
The guy thinks you are a heavy drinker because of your BAC.
You get grounded (locked in?) for a month.
You learned more about what happened to you that you didn’t remember, including a flesh wound, in your shoulder I think, and something about getting your face smashed in?
It was the worst day in your life, up to then.
It wasn’t to be your last detox experience.
B) A few possible things to change or do differently.
Proofreading corrections as already noted via The Ax. However, this is really fairly clean writing proofreading wise, and the “errors” indicated aren’t too glaring.
Home show. I’ve never been to one and have no idea why this is something you would want to go to or why it is a choice situation for a drinking binge. Is it like a wedding reception or something? And, although I realize it’s peripheral to your main idea, some brief selective detail about the home and the show might add interest to the story, at least for me.
"Charlie" showed up kind of suddenly towards the end. I assume he was one of the friends mentioned earlier. You might want to mention his name earlier, to create a little context for his later appearance in the story. Some more information about who you were with and how many of you there were might be helpful.
I think a little more about the parent reaction to the whole thing would be interesting.
Even though you call this the worst day of your life, through most of the story the tone seems to be one of gloating or even bragging. This makes for a kind of dry irony, but I also have the feeling that you have mixed emotions about this whole thing. If so, that could be developed.
C) If this writing was a snow man, it would be made of cotton instead of snow, and it’s eyes would each be half of a pringle . . . .
My opening comments (at the top) were in jest, and a take off on your own opening lines. I’m sure there is a good reason why numerous students have written on similar topics, and that many students are interested in reading about this kind of experience. I do think the motive for writing and interest in reading this material are not unrelated to the reasons other people go to AA meetings, and they aren’t primarily literary. That’s not necessarily bad. Also, summarizing is supposed to be highly educational, and correlates highly with improvements in student achievement. You’ve done a good job of summarizing a complex event, but your writing goes beyond simple summary, including some interesting word choice and a distinctive voice.
P.S. Your author’s note is not particularly helpful.
Posted by: dwillia at March 12, 2005 06:41 AM